We have had an eventful month of May. Stella celebrated her third birthday with three different parties replete with mind-curdling doses of sugar.
Stella’s life is busy and generally happy, we hope. She has gymnastics on Tuesdays, and on Saturdays, Nadia takes her to a French playgroup in Chelsea, not paying any heed to the size 0 yummy mummies and beleaguered nannies.
Stella is starting to intersperse her everyday sentences with French words. So, trying to encourage this, I put on our bog-standard French music CD a few days ago. You know, educational white noise.
We got through Un Homme et Une Femme safely. Ditto Aznavour’s Toi.
Then came the infamous Je t’aime… moi non plus with Gainsbourg and Birkin. You know, the cheesy coital number. As I was trying to steam beetroot, pre-soak an orange juice stain and count Ryvita calories all at the time, I failed to stop and ponder the effects of Jane’s climactic respiration on a nosy three-year-old.
Mummy, why is that lady snorin’?
“What?”
Why is that lady snorin’?
Um, she’s very tired, darling.
What’s viens?
Er, it means “come”.
What’s maintenant?”
Oooooh, it means “now”…
Why is that lady snorin’, Mummy?
She’s not snoring anymore darling, the song is over. Marmite sandwich?
I should have stuck to Ding Dong Bell … oh, perhaps not.
I thought the worst had passed.
An hour later Stella said to me, “Mummy, Leon wants to jump on the Thai Pro Bitch.”
WHAAAAT?
The Thai Pro Bitch, Mummy. Leon wants to jump on the Bitch.
Wh-Who’s Leon, Stella?
The Lion, Mummy. Rolled eyes, raised eyebrows.
This child is a drama queen, and to make things worse, she will start theatre classes in September. We will live to regret it.
The Lion?
Yes, Mummy — exaggerated patience now.
Where d-does Leon live, Stella?
He’s Dora the Splorer’s friend, Mummy.
Of course. Leon, Dora’s hapless friend. A circus wannabe in the screamy technicolor Dora the Explorer DVD. The bumbling lion had wanted to balance on the…
Tight. Rope. Bridge.
Of course, darling, I said weakly. Of course Leon does.
I’ll tell you who has to walk that flipping tight rope daily. I do.
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